Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Maybe it's time i did some real thinking bout my life...
things about my life,
my love life,
my school life,
my life with friends,
my church life...
my mind is in a whirl now... i cant really think of anything...
True that i got a good perfect gal in my eyes...
but... she seems to keep somethings from me..
i wanna say some things here.. but my heart simply wont allow it to come out......
guess this is something i will keep in my heart and cry alone, hugging my pillow and under my comforter...
i've got alot of problems myself and i cant tell u.. cos u yourself have got alot of problems with ur friends as well...
i'm sorry... i really hafta be alone for 2-3 days...
F#@$! y am i crying now.....
my school life, wats it gonna be like ?
i miss my secondary school life..
being with friends and going out with them daily..
Bendy, Vincent, jun heng, edmund, gavin, the LJB guys, 4 king guys, my class malay guys, suhail, syed, clarence,nadzim, hannah, Qin wei, terence, jeremy, roy, jeffery, the girls, amanda, shi ying, jie ying, ros, yueh li, yi lei, fatin, supiah, paulynn....
where are u guys and gals now ? all gone... i don feel as close to u guys as before.. it's not that i don want to go out with u all... u all got a life, i've got mine as well...
Someday i might just get beaten up by some gangsters on the street...
and when i try to call up these friends for help..
i'm sure they wont even give a damn bout me...
i may seem to be very cheerful...
but do u think that i'm really happy and cheerful inside ?
when i'm upset, i don want my friends to be upset over me as well...
wat can i do... who can i tell my problems to... NO-ONE...
Bendy- 8 years of friendship have passed... more to come.. after soo many years of friendship... i can tell you that nobody understands me... bendy doesnt TOTALLY understand me after such a long time..
maybe i'm just fated to be alone... maybe i should just be a hermit...
Vincent- thx bro.. for all the things you've done for me.. NPCC.. you took care of me alot... i don even think i could be a staff-sgt if i didnt mixed with u guys...
jun heng- thanks for helping me with u know wat.. u've done alot for me.. but wat have i done for u ? nothing... i feel that i have taken advantage of your kindness...
edmund- gone out with u and nick a few times, tried to be like guys, everytime be with u guys we all have fun.. sometimes i really forget all my troubles with i'm with u.. SO WAT if ppl call u the TRUMPET ? i like you that way...
Ros- i've taken advantage of ur kindness and ur trust as well.. i've got nothing else to say other den sorry... guess wat... i'm crying now cos of wat i did to you.. this is the 1st time i ever felt this way in the 16years of my life...
syed- i miss you... even though u gimme alot of attitude.... i like being with u as well...
Qin wei- where are u now ? ok i admit.. when i 1st saw u smoking at vietnam.. i tried to distance myself from you... but.. u truely are a great friend to me... u were there for me whenever i felt sad and was rejected by the rest...
Fatin- thanks for the things you've done.. even though they are just small small things.. they matter.... they make an impact... to me... to my life... HOw stopid i was when i tried to distance myself from you when i tot u had a crush on me...
The girls in my class 4b- jie ying, zheng zheng, amanda, jia wen, shi ying, shamini all the others... thx for being my friends.
NPCC friends- when i was the sec 4 squad commander... i scolded u guys... tot that it was really dumb... wat the hell.. scold my own friends ? den afta that take sec1 squad.. i tried not to be soo harsh on them... maybe thats y their standards are getting worse now...
just look at the things i wrote above.. do u even think that i'm living a happy life ?
Ppl call me spoilt, say i rich, say i got bad attitude, childish, betrayer...
u think i like ?!
it's not that i didnt try to change...
it's not ur fault... thats the real me... people see best... when it comes to judging.. u cant judge youself..
Ros.. now u come online i don even have the cheek to talk to you... sorry... i've done u wrong... i made eveything worst...
my church my spiritual life... i don even feel really at home when i'm in chruch..
i'm in no mood for anything now...
i shud just go wash my face, wipe those tears and just forget everything... but i cant......... these are the problems i hafta face...